Hearing Aids
We feel connected to others when we feel heard and understood. Seeing as we only have control over how we participate in conversations and none over how others participate, this post is intended for us to reflect on how effectively we listen to others.
Take a minute and ask yourself – How do you show up in conversations?
Do you tend to be a listener, a talker, or an observer?
Do you open up and lean into vulnerability?
Are you one that takes control of the conversation?
Do you feel energized or drained after conversations?
It’s important to be mindful in our listening and in holding space for others. We can do this by bringing awareness to our own contributions to conversations.
- Interrupting- If you interrupt others or talk over them, you are not listening, nor are you being present in the moment. You are trespassing on the safe space of sharing. When we interrupt others, especially when they need to talk or vent, we are interrupting their process, their digestion, and their flow of their own way of working through their feelings. Strategy- Allow there to be a pause or take a deep breath before you respond. Silence in conversation doesn’t have to be awkward.
- Waiting to talk- If you are waiting your turn to talk or figuring out your response while the other person is still talking, you are not listening; you are preparing for your turn to speak. This does not allow you to be there for the other person because you are focused on what you want to say rather than on what is being said. Strategy- reflect back to the other person what you heard and validate their feelings. For example, you could say, “I can understand why you are feeling angry about the situation.”
- Advice giving- If you tend to offer solutions in a conversation, you may want to take a step back and focus on whether the person is actually asking for advice or simply asking to be heard. When we do provide advice, sometimes it is based on what we would do for ourselves through the lens of our own experiences. Our advice doesn’t take into account the other person’s perspective. Strategy – You can ask the other person what they need or how best to support them- are they looking for advice/ solutions or someone to listen and feel heard?
- Positivity- We often want the other person to feel better and to ease their pain and sometimes we will use positive statements such as, “you have so much to be grateful for”, “it’s not a big deal”, or “think good thoughts”. However, when we sprinkle overly positive words, not only are we not allowing the other person to share their feelings, we are dismissing them by telling them how they should feel. It is not realistic to be overly positive and happy about every experience in life. We want to be able to experience all our emotions, not just the ones that are comfortable. In fact, being overly positive can be an avoidance technique to avoid the discomfort of tougher emotions. Strategy- acknowledge and validate the hurt, pain, and tough emotions the other person is feeling. For example, “It’s okay that you feel angry and hurt at this moment.”
- Pressure to perform- Often we put pressure on ourselves to have the perfect response or to say the right thing. We may think that having the best advice, the most thoughtful response, or the most intelligent question to ask makes us really good at conversations. However, the pressure to perform the best in conversations actually makes the task harder. It can be anxiety provoking, less authentic and genuine, just like any other performance. Strategy- Be yourself, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. You can be honest and share that. Say something like, “I’m not sure what to say at this moment, but I can keep listening.”
As you reflect on how you show up in conversations, you can take a couple of these strategies to try out in your upcoming conversations. Any communication skill requires practice to refine just like any other skill. Be patient with yourself and continue to build on strategies while you are being mindful of your own contributions.
As Dale Carnegie once said, “To be interesting, be interested.”
BookEnds
Bookends are meant to hold your books in place, keeping them upright, and aligned.
What are the bookends to your day that help you stay grounded, aligned, and resilient?
Starting your day can include intention:
How do you want to show up today?
What vibe do you want to have?
What is your hope for the day?
And,
Ending your day can include some reflection:
What was a feel-good moment?
What are you grateful for today?
What can you release before the day ends?
Change
Change can be difficult. There is often the element of the unknown and the discomfort that comes with change. We may feel some unstable footing in stepping from our comfort zone to something new and unfamiliar. Whatever change we may be thinking about in life, whether it be in lifestyle, career, family, or habits, we often fall short on the follow through and taking consistent action.
Sometimes we know what we need to do to achieve the goal we want. For example, the foods we need to eat, the activity we need to pursue, the conversation we need to have, the action we need to take, or the thing we need to stop. Yet, taking action can be the hardest part. The motivation can be the toughest first step. Thinking about the consistent follow-through that is needed for the change to occur can be daunting.
Fear and unpredictability are reasons we may want to stay where we are and avoid the change. We may feel a sense of loss because we may have to give something up for the change to occur. For example, giving up time with family or friends to make time for a new activity. By reflecting on what is keeping you from the change you would like to make, you can look at why the change you desire is important or meaningful to you, and consider the payoff that may occur with the discomfort.
It may be helpful to look at the obstacles standing in the way of change.
Reflect on:
What are the benefits of staying in the current situation and what are the benefits of changing?
What is keeping you where you are?
What might you be fearful of with change?
Is the fear of change greater than the desire of the outcome?
What do you feel you might have to give up or lose when the change occurs?
Year End Reflection
The value of human life has been at the forefront of this pandemic. Perhaps you have been in survival mode for a number of months, maybe you have oscillated between thriving and surviving, or maybe during this pandemic you have had many grateful and insightful moments. Nonetheless it has been a time like never before. Whatever your experience(s) during this time, the pandemic has challenged the way we do things as individuals, families, communities, society and the global world.
Here are some questions to reflect on, things to ponder, or journal about for 2021:
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- What does health and well-being mean to you?
- How do you take care of your time?
- What does connection with yourself and others look like?
- What moments have been the most meaningful?
- What is your intention for 2022?
Mind Reading III
Reading can help us understand and learn ways to manage our mental health and emotional well-being. Different authors offer different styles and perspectives on a range of topics. Feel free to take in the information that resonates with you and leave the rest.
Below are a few book suggestions to add to your bookshelf or audiobook collection for the Fall season:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace
By Nedra Glover Tawwab
Self- Compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself.
By Kristin Neff
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyways
By Susan Jeffers
The Gifts of Imperfection
By Brene Brown
Happy Reading!
Please note that these book suggestions are self-help options and provide general information about specific topics. They are not meant to replace treatment and/or the advice of a healthcare professional.
Are you bleeding?
When we have physical wounds that are not attended to, we bleed everywhere. Without a band aid, medical attention, and proper care, we can’t always guarantee appropriate healing and neglect may increase a chance of further pain and infection. In the same way, emotional wounds can “bleed” as well.
When we don’t take care of our psychological hurts, they can lead to increased fears, ruminating negative thoughts, and more emotional pain and suffering towards ourselves as well as others. With physical wounds we can see the blood, we can see the scar, and it is tangible. Emotional wounds are sometimes less obvious and can include traumas, negative experiences, and difficult moments. They require checking in with yourself, not avoiding your feelings, self-reflection, and noticing how past experiences may be impacting your current relationships and daily functioning.
If you’re struggling, you may want to consider therapy, speaking with your doctor about medications, or a combination of both to heal from those wounds. To check- in with emotional wounds, ask yourself:
– What is hurting?
– What do you avoid thinking about?
– What emotions have you avoided feeling?
– What have you buried?
– What impact has the hurt had on you or your relationships?
– What activities or behaviors do you engage in to escape from painful emotions and thoughts?
Health
In taking care of our physical health we have different approaches to what our bodies can ingest, what our capabilities and abilities are, what our bodies are allergic to, and what sensitivities we may have. In addition, based on our individual physical health, our bodies may have different strengths and abilities.
In the same way, our mental health is impacted by our individual vulnerabilities, sensitivities, experiences, beliefs and fears, which in turn affects our mental and emotional well-being.
To attend to our physical health we might adopt a food regimen, develop a workout routine, hire a personal trainer, or make time to rest. We can take care of our mental and emotional health by talking about our struggles, connecting with others, going to therapy, and/or taking medication.
Regardless of our health goals consistency is key to achieve the results we want, whether it is healing from a physical or psychological injury, learning a new skill, or unlearning what does not work for us anymore. When we experience an emotional or psychological injury, just as with a physical injury, it takes time to heal.
What tends to reinforce society’s stigma around mental health is that, unlike many physical injuries, emotional or psychological injuries are invisible to the eye. This can make it difficult to understand mental health, and because emotional issues are often very personal, we may judge ourselves or others for having them. As a result, they stay hidden, invisible and sometimes buried, which only compounds the injury.
The chart below is a brief comparison between physical, mental and emotional health.
Physical Health | Mental and Emotional Health | |
Anatomy | Taking care of our bodies | Taking care of our minds and hearts |
Illness can include | Diseases, flu, diabetes, etc | Depression, anxiety, etc |
Negative Experiences | Injuries, physical pain, broken bones | Trauma, emotional pain, abuse |
Rejections can include | Sensitivities, allergies | Disconnection with ourselves or others |
Health | Feeling able, pain-free, strong | Feeling safe, connected and regulated |
Treatment | Healing injuries, easing pain, seeking a medical professional | Healing from trauma and negative experiences and psychological injuries, seeking a psychologist |
In the spirit of Mental Health Awareness Month, take care of your mind and heart!
Pleasing Others
When you constantly give more than you receive, your internal compass is often pulled towards external magnets such as needing validation or reassurance and focusing on pleasing others. Consistently putting other people first can be emotionally depleting and lead to a need to make others happy in order to avoid discomfort or pain.
You are not responsible for taking away or rescuing people from their feelings and pain nor is it possible for anyone to have that power. Each person has their own relationship with their emotions and each is responsible for their own healing. Engaging in behaviors that avoid or dismiss your own emotions (such as people pleasing) can have a great negative impact on your mental health.
People pleasing is different from supporting others because support requires help, contribution and an equal relationship. Support is not the same as continuous sacrifice where your needs and self- worth feel unimportant and less deserving than that of another. When the driving force is a need to please, making others feel happy creates an internal battle. We become focused on gaining approval, love and validation from another person that, in the process, we neglect and abandon ourselves.
Do you often find yourself saying “yes” to things you really want to say “no” to? or saying “yes” to things that you haven’t even thought about in order to decide if you want to say “yes” or “no”?
When you are focused on pleasing others, you may be fearful of
- Not being liked
- Being left out
- Not being needed
- Not being worthy
- Being judged or criticized
- Disappointing others
If pleasing others comes naturally or automatically, you may be:
- Overly critical of yourself
- Having feelings of resentment and anger
- Unsure of what you want and need
- Having unhealthy boundaries with others
- Feeling alone and used
- Internalizing your stress
- Tying your sense of self- worth to how others perceive you
To change these patterns, you may want to reflect on why you are saying “yes” and/or feel the need to say “yes”. Give some thought to the following:
- Identify the fear behind your behavior (What do you believe might happen if you say “no”?)
- What emotion or feeling are you avoiding by saying “yes”?
- How can you cope with the discomfort of saying “no”?
- What is the emotional cost of saying “yes”?
If you are not ready to share your feelings and thoughts with others, you can start by journaling your responses and what you would like to say when you honor your thoughts and feelings. Practice writing out how you can acknowledge your needs and wants on a daily basis.
Examples of scripts:
I would like to _______ . This is important to me because________________
I value ____________, therefore I have to say no to ____________________
I am happy to help, I can offer ________________________ but not ______________
I have committed myself to _________________, maybe next time.
PAUSE
We have arrived! We are heading into the last month of 2020.
This year has been a year of stillness, loss, change and letting go, but also one of mixed emotions, compromises and humanity.
We have been in a continuous cycle of transitioning and coping during this time.
As we look back and reflect on the year, I would encourage you to pause!
There is power in the pause, the pause allows us to move from automatic thoughts and actions to mindful intentions and thoughtful processes. We begin to understand what drives our thoughts, behaviors and emotions by slowing down, pausing and ultimately responding rather than reacting.
Here are some questions to ponder, possible conversation starters and/ or journaling prompts to initiate some reflection about 2020:
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What have you learned about yourself?
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How have you coped with your fears and worries?
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Where are you using your strengths?
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What have you had to put down, put away or put on?
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How do you see yourself, the world and humanity?
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What are you taking into 2021 and what are you leaving behind?
Recent Posts
- Mind Reading IV
- Hearing Aids
- BookEnds
- Change
- Year End Reflection
- Mind Reading III
- Are you bleeding?
- Health
- Pleasing Others
- PAUSE
- Mind Reading II
- It’s The Remix
- During this time…
- Slow and Steady
- Benefits of Therapy
- Reflections
- In Your Feelings
- Mind Reading
- Return on Investment
- Honor Thyself
- Being Bullied?
- Daily Escape
- Spring Cleaning
- A Snapshot of Anxiety!
- The Blues
- What Is The Evidence
- Self-Talk
- Mental-Prep
- Think About It