Are you bleeding?
When we have physical wounds that are not attended to, we bleed everywhere. Without a band aid, medical attention, and proper care, we can’t always guarantee appropriate healing and neglect may increase a chance of further pain and infection. In the same way, emotional wounds can “bleed” as well.
When we don’t take care of our psychological hurts, they can lead to increased fears, ruminating negative thoughts, and more emotional pain and suffering towards ourselves as well as others. With physical wounds we can see the blood, we can see the scar, and it is tangible. Emotional wounds are sometimes less obvious and can include traumas, negative experiences, and difficult moments. They require checking in with yourself, not avoiding your feelings, self-reflection, and noticing how past experiences may be impacting your current relationships and daily functioning.
If you’re struggling, you may want to consider therapy, speaking with your doctor about medications, or a combination of both to heal from those wounds. To check- in with emotional wounds, ask yourself:
– What is hurting?
– What do you avoid thinking about?
– What emotions have you avoided feeling?
– What have you buried?
– What impact has the hurt had on you or your relationships?
– What activities or behaviors do you engage in to escape from painful emotions and thoughts?
Health
In taking care of our physical health we have different approaches to what our bodies can ingest, what our capabilities and abilities are, what our bodies are allergic to, and what sensitivities we may have. In addition, based on our individual physical health, our bodies may have different strengths and abilities.
In the same way, our mental health is impacted by our individual vulnerabilities, sensitivities, experiences, beliefs and fears, which in turn affects our mental and emotional well-being.
To attend to our physical health we might adopt a food regimen, develop a workout routine, hire a personal trainer, or make time to rest. We can take care of our mental and emotional health by talking about our struggles, connecting with others, going to therapy, and/or taking medication.
Regardless of our health goals consistency is key to achieve the results we want, whether it is healing from a physical or psychological injury, learning a new skill, or unlearning what does not work for us anymore. When we experience an emotional or psychological injury, just as with a physical injury, it takes time to heal.
What tends to reinforce society’s stigma around mental health is that, unlike many physical injuries, emotional or psychological injuries are invisible to the eye. This can make it difficult to understand mental health, and because emotional issues are often very personal, we may judge ourselves or others for having them. As a result, they stay hidden, invisible and sometimes buried, which only compounds the injury.
The chart below is a brief comparison between physical, mental and emotional health.
| Physical Health | Mental and Emotional Health | |
| Anatomy | Taking care of our bodies | Taking care of our minds and hearts |
| Illness can include | Diseases, flu, diabetes, etc | Depression, anxiety, etc |
| Negative Experiences | Injuries, physical pain, broken bones | Trauma, emotional pain, abuse |
| Rejections can include | Sensitivities, allergies | Disconnection with ourselves or others |
| Health | Feeling able, pain-free, strong | Feeling safe, connected and regulated |
| Treatment | Healing injuries, easing pain, seeking a medical professional | Healing from trauma and negative experiences and psychological injuries, seeking a psychologist |
In the spirit of Mental Health Awareness Month, take care of your mind and heart!
Pleasing Others
When you constantly give more than you receive, your internal compass is often pulled towards external magnets such as needing validation or reassurance and focusing on pleasing others. Consistently putting other people first can be emotionally depleting and lead to a need to make others happy in order to avoid discomfort or pain.
You are not responsible for taking away or rescuing people from their feelings and pain nor is it possible for anyone to have that power. Each person has their own relationship with their emotions and each is responsible for their own healing. Engaging in behaviors that avoid or dismiss your own emotions (such as people pleasing) can have a great negative impact on your mental health.
People pleasing is different from supporting others because support requires help, contribution and an equal relationship. Support is not the same as continuous sacrifice where your needs and self- worth feel unimportant and less deserving than that of another. When the driving force is a need to please, making others feel happy creates an internal battle. We become focused on gaining approval, love and validation from another person that, in the process, we neglect and abandon ourselves.
Do you often find yourself saying “yes” to things you really want to say “no” to? or saying “yes” to things that you haven’t even thought about in order to decide if you want to say “yes” or “no”?
When you are focused on pleasing others, you may be fearful of
- Not being liked
- Being left out
- Not being needed
- Not being worthy
- Being judged or criticized
- Disappointing others
If pleasing others comes naturally or automatically, you may be:
- Overly critical of yourself
- Having feelings of resentment and anger
- Unsure of what you want and need
- Having unhealthy boundaries with others
- Feeling alone and used
- Internalizing your stress
- Tying your sense of self- worth to how others perceive you
To change these patterns, you may want to reflect on why you are saying “yes” and/or feel the need to say “yes”. Give some thought to the following:
- Identify the fear behind your behavior (What do you believe might happen if you say “no”?)
- What emotion or feeling are you avoiding by saying “yes”?
- How can you cope with the discomfort of saying “no”?
- What is the emotional cost of saying “yes”?
If you are not ready to share your feelings and thoughts with others, you can start by journaling your responses and what you would like to say when you honor your thoughts and feelings. Practice writing out how you can acknowledge your needs and wants on a daily basis.
Examples of scripts:
I would like to _______ . This is important to me because________________
I value ____________, therefore I have to say no to ____________________
I am happy to help, I can offer ________________________ but not ______________
I have committed myself to _________________, maybe next time.
PAUSE
We have arrived! We are heading into the last month of 2020.
This year has been a year of stillness, loss, change and letting go, but also one of mixed emotions, compromises and humanity.
We have been in a continuous cycle of transitioning and coping during this time.
As we look back and reflect on the year, I would encourage you to pause!
There is power in the pause, the pause allows us to move from automatic thoughts and actions to mindful intentions and thoughtful processes. We begin to understand what drives our thoughts, behaviors and emotions by slowing down, pausing and ultimately responding rather than reacting.
Here are some questions to ponder, possible conversation starters and/ or journaling prompts to initiate some reflection about 2020:
-
What have you learned about yourself?
-
How have you coped with your fears and worries?
-
Where are you using your strengths?
-
What have you had to put down, put away or put on?
-
How do you see yourself, the world and humanity?
-
What are you taking into 2021 and what are you leaving behind?
Mind Reading II
Reading can help us understand and learn ways to manage our mental health and emotional well-being. Different authors offer different styles and perspectives on a range of topics. Feel free to take in the information that resonates with you and leave the rest.
Below are a few book suggestions FOR RELATIONSHIPS to add to your bookshelf or audiobook collection:
How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving; By David Richo
The 5 Love Languages; By Gary Chapman
Attached; By Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love; By John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams; Rachel Carlton Abrams
Happy Reading!
Please note that these book suggestions are self-help options and provide general information about specific topics. They are not meant to replace treatment and/or the advice of a healthcare professional.
It’s The Remix
The world is in the middle of a standstill and a wavering time.
Our life plans have changed, paused or cancelled.
Life has hit us with a curveball,
given us a detour on our path,
and a remix to our tune.
We are adjusting to the sense of grief that exists within constant change.
Building our resilience by bending without breaking,
and accepting the present moment without abandoning ourselves.
The struggle is different for each of us,
however courage and confidence are expanding as we journey through.
We are
grieving and accepting,
exhausted and restless,
apathetic and anxious,
hesitant and hopeful.
We have been forced to recalibrate,
change our perspectives,
attend to our bodies,
make space for emotions,
slow down our thoughts,
rely on our strengths,
and be creative in how we do life.
Curveballs, detours, and remixes can offer
lessons,
skills,
inspiration,
redefinitions,
and a new beat to life.
During this time…
Words such as “pandemic”, “social distancing” and “state of emergency” are being used to bring value and seriousness to the current global situation, however they can also evoke feelings of anxiety.
During this time, it is important to not let our fear get the best of us by considering the following:
THOUGHTS – If your mind is used to worrying and ruminating in thoughts, give those thoughts some attention by journaling, talking to someone or self-reflecting. The key here is not to get stuck in the worried thoughts, but to acknowledge that they are there. Dismissing your thoughts and ignoring them will only cause them to fester and “tantrum” for more attention. Acknowledge the thought, give it attention, and release it.
INFORMATION – There is a lot of infomation out there regarding the virus; schedule time to watch the news, read articles and attend to notifications on our gadgets. When the news is constantly on, or notifications are spontaneously grabbing our attention, it can rob us of the present moment, lead to information overload and emotional overwhelm.
STRATEGIES – The current situation is new to all of us, so thinking of ways to cope may not come easily. Some will benefit from structure, while others will not. Some of us may benefit from artistic activities and some of us may benefit from increased family time. There is no “right way to cope. My suggestion is that you take time to acknowledge the different pieces of you and create strategies to build a healthy capacity in those areas. This includes your physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and social pieces of your well-being.
THE COMMON GOOD – Social distancing is difficult because as humans, we thrive for connection. Staying home feeling cooped up with family members can push our buttons. However, we are all doing our part for the common good of humanity and for the global community. We are all contributing to the health care system and assisting health care professionals without being on the front line. It seems counterintuitive as we would normally come together in solidarity to fight a battle, however in this situation distance gives us strength and doesn’t allow the virus to get the best of us as a whole.
CONNECTION – Reach out and connect to others to prevent emotional isolation and feelings of loneliness. Check in, say hi, send a meme, phone, or text message, set up group messages and e-connect with others. It’s important to stay connected even though we are physically distant.
GRATITUDE – Acknowledge the feel-good moments in your day even though the current situation is not ideal and at times inconvenient and annoying. Take a moment to soak in the longer days and sunshine, your good health, your relationships, technology, extra time, and the opportunity to be still in this busy world.
With that, I hope you and your families are taking care of yourselves and staying healthy.
We’re all in this together.
Slow and Steady
When we learn new strategies or adopt new ideas, we often want to see results right away in whatever we are trying to achieve, whether it’s decreased symptoms, improved mental health, or some form of comfort and ease. However, long lasting and sustainable changes are built on consistency and staying committed to the process.
In a society where instant gratification is readily available, patience and commitment can be hard to maintain. But consistent discipline in these areas builds confidence and reduces self-doubt by helping to achieve a long-term vision rather than quick fixes or immediate relief in the moment.
There will be days where you will feel unmotivated to stick with the process. Stress and fear may create roadblocks to your goals, or life events may eat up your time and change your priorities. Discipline can help to overcome these curveballs in life.
For example, you might be trying new strategies to help manage stress and anxiety with physical activity or daily meditations, but you aren’t seeing results right away. You continue to experience symptoms and therefore may have the urge to quit or give into unhealthy behaviours (such as substance use or binge-watching television). This may give you short term relief, but ultimately reduces your confidence and increases self-doubt, causing your desired outcome to feel even more unattainable.
However, if you have conquered discipline and consistency and you fall ill or have a sudden deadline at work or school, you might be able to pause the new strategies (such as physical activity or daily meditations), in order to get through the immediate life event, but easily pick them up again after the storm has passed. Discipline helps you stay committed to your long term goals and desires without selling yourself short on immediate gratification.
Whether it’s managing your mental health, stopping a habit, increasing time for self-care activities, or investing in other important changes you want to make in your life, here are some suggestions to help build consistency:
- Create a routine and set aside time for new habits
- Set reminders and alarms if needed
- Recruit a partner to help stay accountable and motivated
- Reflect on your reason(s) for making the change and why it’s important to you
- Start small and build as you get comfortable with consistency
- Remember that self compassion keeps us motivated; self-criticism does not!
Benefits of Therapy
Therapy can provide:
- A space to share thoughts and feelings to help alleviate stress
- Education and information about mental health concerns
- A way to heal from trauma, emotional injuries, and other negative experiences
- An objective perspective from someone who is not emotionally invested in your personal experiences
- Alleviation of mental health symptoms
- Opportunities to learn new coping strategies
- A non-judgmental and safe environment
- A place for self-discovery
You do not need to be ill or have a formal mental health diagnosis to engage in therapy. Therapy can be a preventative and a proactive tool for your health and it can help you heal emotional and mental wounds that may be impacting your daily functioning, productivity, relationships and/or self-perception.
Therapists provide guidance and support. They recognize that you are the expert in your life experiences, and they help you access your own insight and wisdom. They encourage new perspectives, hold a space for your feelings and support the process in order to enhance your well-being.
If you are interested in finding out ways to improve your own mental health and well-being, you can reach out to a psychologist, or another healthcare professional.
Click here to book an appointment
Recent Posts
- What can anxiety look like?
- Myths about Therapy
- Mind Reading V
- Screen Time Inventory
- Summer Reflection
- Mind Reading IV
- Hearing Aids
- BookEnds
- Change
- Year End Reflection
- Mind Reading III
- Are you bleeding?
- Health
- Pleasing Others
- PAUSE
- Mind Reading II
- It’s The Remix
- During this time…
- Slow and Steady
- Benefits of Therapy
- Reflections
- In Your Feelings
- Mind Reading
- Return on Investment
- Honor Thyself
- Being Bullied?
- Daily Escape
- Spring Cleaning
- A Snapshot of Anxiety!
- The Blues
- What Is The Evidence
- Self-Talk
- Mental-Prep
- Think About It